Perfection

Imperfect is the new perfect. [this site made me realize how beautiful I am]

I use to be bulimic. Actually, I am from time to time, but I've realized that the abuse to my body is not worth it, thus, I'm calling the quits. What made me bulimic? Everything started in middle school. I was one out of the few Asians in a school with the majority being Hispanics. I started noticing all my friends going through puberty. The girls that I hung out with started developing breasts. I mean, I knew I was starting to develop too, but mine were nothing compared to them. No guy wanted me. I felt like I was the fat, nerdy, Asian girl no one really wanted to be with. I heard about bulimia through the media and I was thinking "Hmm ... throwing up by just shoving my finger down my throat? Sounds crazy! ... does it work?" Next thing I know, I would eat all I can, then I was hung over the toilet bowl throwing up everything. Sadly enough I felt better about myself but every time I look at the mirror, I would still see the fat girl still staring back at me. I stopped for a while, but then I started again. I didn't care about the consequences, I just wanted to be thin. I wanted to be beautiful. I didn't understand what the term meant since it seemed like the media portrayed beautiful in a different way. Every time I look in the mirror, I see myself ... sometimes as the fat girl ... sometimes as the girl that is lost and still trying to find herself. I know for sure, that it's about time I should stop hurting my body and start appreciating myself.

Everyone has their flaws. I know I have some pretty big flaws. I over analyze things to the point where I try to control everything that happens in my life. But then after talking with a friend about it, there's no mystery in life if I know what's going to happen. I'm the girl that wants to prepare for the worst ... just because she doesn't want to get hurt. Life is all about taking risks and making mistakes and learning from them. I need to start understanding that I AM beautiful because I am flawed and my flaws make me who I am. No one wants to be perfect because being perfect means there's no more mystery. I want spontaneity in my life ... I'm ready to go with the flow :]

There are things that I can work and improve for my own benefit. I'm still trying to discover who I am ... I mean who doesn't in college? I like my pudgy nose that resembles lilo from lilo and stitch. I like my boobs because I have boobs lol [i came a long way from high school to have boobs!] I like my teeth, which has gaps in between them, even though they're not straight and pearly white, but they're not yellow either. I like my chipmunk cheeks because it gives someone something to squeeze. Speaking of something to squeeze, I like my ass because like I said, I have an ass! It's not a budunkadunk but it's still something ;] I am currently working on being confident in front of people, but that takes time. Everything takes time and it's all worth the wait ;] The best things will take a lot of my patience, but I know that it will be mind blasting. My promise to myself is to stop thinking negative and just live life how it is and to stop making it so complicated than it needs to :D

I am imperfect and I accept that :]

Why do we fall?

People fall all the time! Babies fall and then they just get up and keep going. Regardless of how difficult and painful it is for them, they just keep on trying and trying. How come it's difficult for certain adults? There are people that have fallen to the point where they're left with scars for life and yet, they just stop trying. I know I've been in that position before. Especially recently, I've been falling a lot. Granted my knees are all scratched up and bleeding but I somehow find the way to keep going. I have decided that I want to shelter myself up. I want to have fun and not get attached in the process. I was watching How I Met Your Mother and there was a part where the guy meets this girl at a wedding and they're having the time of their life but they don't kiss. The moment was building up, but the kiss never came. It was like a fairy tale of some sort ... and since fairy tales don't come true ... you are left with nothing at the end. Yes, I am being pessimistic ... but I need to in order to protect myself. I never really had to protect myself so much, but it seems like every person I decide to open up to ... I eventually get hurt. I'm tired of getting hurt. I'm tired of having false hopes and whatnot. It's exhausting pretending everything is okay when it isn't. It takes so much energy to put a smile on and pretend everything is just fine and dandy. Most of the time I just wanna scream and take things into my own hands. Sometimes that's not possible, thus I need to imagine everything is fine.

I want things to be calm and peaceful. I want to be able to go to New York for that MUN Conference. I want to be able to break out of my shell and become the assertive bitch I need to be. I need to make a change.

Girl: [hands boy heart] "Be careful with it ... its fragile"
Guy: [drops heart] "Eh, it was worthless anyways..."

She was a young girl trying to find herself. She was lost, she was confused, then she realized that there were far more important things in life than to wallow in her own problems. "F*ck it!" Life is really too short to be thinking negatively. Then one random night, she decides to go on an adventure with her roommate. Care free she decided to have fun when she should be studying. They were young, the night itself was young. She realized that she might be the third wheel but she was okay, as long as she was out and about and not crammed in her room. She met someone that night. She thought this someone was special. He was nice, sweet and caring. He flattered her whenever he could. The night after they started talking to each other. She felt something she hasn't felt in a while. She felt happy. Life was going good for her, or so she thought. They went on a few dates and whatnot and they were awesome. He made her smile. She made him smile. Then things started going down hill really fast. Now she is left alone. Broken. Mending herself from this experience. As if she is a worn out toy that no child would touch. It was meant to be all fun and games but things got complicated. She opened up to him. She let her guard down. Now she's back in her Pandora box.

Shit happens. Like f'real. Unexpected shit happens. I didn't expect nor see any of this coming. In a way I wished he minded his own business and stayed in his own little world. Then I wouldn't be feeling like this. I don't have time to freaking feel like this, but it is inevitable. I refuse to let myself cry cause I'm done crying. I deserve better. Way better. At first it was like a "What the f*ck just happened" kind of feeling but at the end, it's me at the end. I don't mind. I'm just going to have fun with my life. New year, new beginnings.

01.05.10

Breakfast: An Apple
Lunch: Nothing
Dinner: Fish seasoned with Oregano, Chicken Salad with sprinkled cheese, croutons and raspberry dressing with a "Death by Chocolate" Ball
Work out: 20 min on elliptical

Woo! Not bad!

Note to self: Must fill up on water jug

My Knight in Shining Armor

I deserve better.
I know I do.
You practically used me.
Granted yes, I deserve it.
I didn't want it.
Now I do.
Now it's gone.
I apologized.
I freaked out.
I don't know what happened.
It all started with a random trip.
Which lead to poke wars.
Then lead to texts with smiley faces.
You gave me butterflies in my tummy.
You were able to make me giggle and smile.
My day wouldn't be complete without hearing from you.
Things went by fast.
One thing lead to another.
You saw one of my bad sides.
Guess it wasn't something you like.
Now I'm left feeling used.
Worthless.
Flustered.
Confused.
Lost.
But I will get over it.
I need a closure.
An in person closure.
None of that phone shit.
If I really deserve it.
Then tell me in person.
I at least deserve that.

Dear Sandi

Winter break is coming to its end since I will be leaving back to my apartment soon =[ In a way I'm pretty much excited to head back over the the I.E. since I know all my friends will start flowing in and then I get to see their wonderful faces again! :D But then that means no more time to spend with the family =[ Granted yes they drive me nuts and whatnot but meh, they're still my family and I love them oh so much! <3 I have made some new friends and I'm gonna miss hanging out with them late at night =[ but I must be serious with my school work this time. No more fucking up Sandi! No more! Hence, I decided to write a letter to myself reminding myself what I need to do lol

Dear Sandi,
You NEED to stop fucking up. You NEED to stop being boy crazy and focus on your fucking future! The male species has fucked you over SO many fucking times! WHY ARE YOU LETTING YOURSELF DO THIS?! You know better. You've been through so much shit with guys and you keep telling yourself "No more, I'm done." You NEED to make sure that you ARE done with this shit. You need to keep reminding yourself that you want to grow up to be the independent woman YOU want to be. You don't want to be relying on a guy to make you happy. ONLY YOU can make yourself happy. You DON'T need a guy to make you happy. You really don't! Guys are only good for their dicks, honestly now, you've been screwed over so many times, do you honestly think you're gonna find a guy that's gonna stay sweet even AFTER he got into your pants?! Life is not a fucking fairy tale. There are NO happy endings. There is no prince charming. There is not a knight in shining armor to take you away into a happy world. Fairy tales are false stories to make money off of little girls along with giving them a ridiculous template of how relationships should be like. You need to figure out who YOU are. You do not need to look for a guy companionship to make your life complete. You can be complete without a guy! You were stupid in high school, but now you're in college, you're almost DONE with college, you cannot AFFORD to be like your high school self. You need to get off your lazy ass, start working out hard for that banging body you've been wanting, get a fucking job so you can spoil yourself, start studying hard so you can get a decent fucking GPA so you can get accepted to a decent grad school. You need to start doing shit for yourself that involves your future. You need to man the fuck up! You need to stop fucking around and take shit seriously. You don't need materialistic things to make you happy. You're happy with what you have now. You are not going to give up most of your money to go to New York [okay, maybe, it's a learning experience!] but you will grow a fucking pair of balls to fucking do great at the mock MUN conferences so you can be chosen to go to the New York conference. You will fucking work your fucking ass off because you NEED to graduate within the next year and a half. You will not be so negative about life, but instead you will be optimistic but you must keep in mind that you have to be realistic. You will put up a wall to protect yourself but keep please create a small door so that if someone is willing to try, you'll open the door but not fully welcome them in. You do not need to be distracted with anything else but school. Don't be a prude, you need to have fun as well since you will be turning 21 this year [please don't drink so much, your liver loves you!] You are going to make choices without regretting them, because life really IS to short to be regretting shit and dwelling on the past. You need to find a stress reliever because you are a walking bomb and you might blow up on the wrong person and that is a no no. You may have some lazy days but you need to keep motivating yourself to do your best. You don't have to necessarily be a perfect 4.0 student but you must try your best, as long as you know you tried your best without telling yourself "I should've done this ..." NONE OF THAT SHIT! You don't want to be fucking up this year. Not this year. You can't fuck up anymore. You need to start being a cold-hearted bitch [well exceptions to a few] Other than that, you are a nice and caring person but people WILL take advantage of you. You care waaay too much about others than yourself. Don't stop but you know WHO to care for and whatnot. Please make these changes because you know you need to for yourself. I want you to come back to this post a year from now [well next new years eve] and be satisfied with yourself. Remember YOUR goals and what you're working hard for ... as cliche as it sounds, everything WILL pay off in the end ... you just need to be patient, you hardcore lack patience, but trust yourself ... it WILL be worth it.

Sincerely,
Sandi

Whew! that took a lot out of me! lol I came upon this song and I thought this girl is freaking AMAZING!