Resolutions

It's that time again where the new year rolls around where people party their face off, ruin their liver by drowning themselves in alcohol, and who can forget about those lovely new years resolutions people make to improve themselves over the year. I remember vaguely of much younger self in high school making resolutions consisting along the lines of convincing myself that I MUST have a boyfriend by the end of the year. Once I look back at my previous blogs and read how boy crazy I was [okay well I still am but it's NOT bad] it got me thinking how much better I could have been if I didn't have silly resolutions that involved boys. Sitting on my bed in Los Angeles, I was quite bored out of my mind, and I figured that I haven't blogged in a while so I should blog and hopefully something good will come out of it? Maybe? Meh? Let's begin with the resolutions:

01. LOSE WEIGHT [I know this must be one of the main resolutions on people's list, I know it's always on mine, but f'real this time, I NEED to lose weight, especially since I wanna look bangable for my 21st birthday :D plus I need to do it for my health as well]

02. GAIN SELF-CONFIDENCE [I lack self-confidence. Especially during class discussions, I wanna talk, I just lack the confidence to talk. I want to be better at talking in front of people]

03. WORK ON PUBLIC SPEAKING [I must get over my fear of public speaking! It's so frustrating! ... I just don't like feeling stupid ...]

04. IMPROVE GPA [My GPA has been improving, but I really want to get it higher so that I can have more options for grad school]

05. DISCOVER A NEW HOBBY [All I really do is eat, sleep, study, watch tv, play games, you know, all the stuff anti-social people do ... I want to be able to find something else to do]

06. FIND A JOB [I desperately need a job!]

07. MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN A PERSON'S LIFE [I've always wanted to make a difference in a person's life]

08. ATTEND 2010 NEW YORK M.U.N. CONFERENCE [I REALLY want to go but currently lack the funding to go =/ ]

09. DON'T THINK ABOUT BOYS SO MUCH [they're not THAT important at this point of my life]

10. DISCOVER MYSELF [I feel like I've lost myself lately in the last two years ... thus I want to rediscover myself]

I have decided that I am putting a big, sturdy wall up. I don't really want to be attached to anyone at the moment, relationship wise. I know I'm going to be missing out on a lot of stuff ... but I want to be able to support myself in the future without any one else helping me. But I'm talking about boys. I don't want a boy, I want a man :]

Other than that, Happy New Years everyone!

"Associate yourself with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation; for 'tis better to be alone than in bad company." - George Washington

Note: No one will be tagged in this note for they know who they are. I'm not going to expose or put anyone in blast because quite frankly, there's no point anymore. I tend to express my feelings though writing more than speaking, so I'd figured this method would be efficient on my behalf. Oh, most importantly, don't take what I say up the ass.
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" ... there's no sense getting all riled up every time a bunch of idiots give you a hard time. In the end, the universe tends to unfold as it should." - Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle

First of all, what did the hell did I do wrong? I took people into my home with a few parties here and there, made sure everyone was fed and safe and this is how I get treated? Excuse my language, but WHAT THE FUCK. Granted I shared an apartment with roommates and shit, but I dealt with all of your damn shenanigans and noise on a freaking school night. I didn't yell, scream or shout for you guys to shut up, all I did was welcome you guys into my home and made sure you guys were comfortable. ESPECIALLY when I provided a place for a certain someone to go to when their roommates made you feel uncomfortable in your own home. I made sure YOU were fine with everything and that YOU were well taken care of. And then there was you, the one who's trying so hard to be so nice and yet you took what I said up the ass and just decided to be the best friend you can ever be and just be there for her. Is that really the case or do you still wanna sleep with her? That's right, I went there. You're smart, use that brain of yours. Granted your intention is to be the person she runs to when she has problems, but hmm, was that REALLY your first intention? At least I'm being honest about my feelings and she has a hint of what the hell is going on.

Speaking of which, since I will be going off on tangents often, I really wasn't mad at you. It was just getting a tad bit annoying of your continuous raucous actions when you're not sober. You were a different person when I first met you, and I miss that person. Instead of ignoring me and assuming I was mad, you should have just talked to me about it. Just because you have a pretty face doesn't mean everything will go your way.

I gotta admit, I was pretty irked when I found out about your lovely parties and whatnot but you know what? I don't give a damn anymore.

But tell me, what kind of person would do that? Welcomed you guys to my home, cleaned up after your mess, and then boom, kicked me out of your life because of some girl? Let me know if it's worth it in the long run.

How ironic, everyone I've introduced you to has apparently been fooled by the facade you've been "frontin'" Instead of telling everyone how "real" you are, take a step back and look at yourself, you're just like every pretty girl out there that just uses her looks to manipulate the people around her.

As hostile as this sounds, thank you. Thank you for showing me your true colors.

As for the few close friends I have, I love and appreciate you guys more than you guys will ever know.

For whomever s reading this, thanks for taking time to read this note of mine :D

Inner Self

Tis practically the end of summer and school starts approximately a week from today. So far, I've been eating and sleeping for the past three weeks along with job hunting, in which I am having no luck with. All this time with me being alone has made me ... depressed. It sucks, because I know my life is better than some people but I still can't help being depressed.

I'm sitting on my bed in my room watching the Tyra Banks show about plastic surgery. I remembered telling myself I would NEVER think about getting any cosmetic surgery done to myself because it was so degrading and it makes a person fake. Although I do not agree with cosmetic surgery, I still fantasize about it. Wanna know what I always fantasized? Let's go from top to bottom:

My face: I don't like my nose. When I was younger, my parents told me I have an ugly nose. Even family members tell me I should go to Vietnam and get some plastic surgery done to my nose. My own nose makes me look as if I'm a filipina [no offense to filipinos] I would like to look like my own race. It annoys me sometimes being called something I'm not. I have one droopy eye, my right eye, I don't mind, but it bugs me at times when I try to put on make up and then I have to adjust how I do it and stuff. My eyes, geeze, I'm so blind, I would want lasik eye surgery so I can spend less money on glasses and contacts and stuff. I wouldn't mind losing some of my double chin as well, that always kills pictures for me.

My body: I hate my body. I'm overweight and I am CONSTANTLY getting criticized for me weight from my family. They think I don't notice them looking at me when I'm eating. What do they want me to do? Starve to death? I'm sorry I'm not a stick compared other asians, I'm sorry I'm not the most perfect out of our family, but damnit, I'm pretty damn close to making more money than all of them put together. If I had the chance, I would totally do liposuction, tummy tuck, possibly breast augmentation, yup, I want to get rid of all the fat and upgrade the ladies.

It's not fair that people judge how others look on the outside. It really isn't. I admit, I'm not the prettiest looking out there. Geeze, even my family reminds that every time there's a reunion, but I still go because I still love my family. There's even freaking cliques in my family, I notice all that shit. I hate my body. It's so hard to keep telling myself I love my body. It's so hard, because people are constantly judging. *sigh

FML.

Everything's Gonna Be Okay

I thought this video was pretty cute and whatnot, so I decided to share with whomever reads this blog ... which is probably not much ... but it's okay, it's my little area to let my thoughts roam and whatnot =]

So today, I drove my younger brothers to Church's Chicken to get some chicken for dinner [not the best choice but eh, I was kind of craving the delicious spicy, crunchiness of the chicken]. As we drove up to the window where we pay the person for our food, there's this homeless-looking lady standing right next to the window and in my mind, I'm thinking "Omg, I must lock the doors and roll up my windows. How can they allow someone to stand there? Isn't that illegal? That's so dangerous." My brothers' reactions were the same as mine since we're use to assertive homeless people considering we live in a pretty much ghetto area. This homeless-lady [let's give her a name ... how about we call her Beth] Okay, so Beth was different than the other homeless people I've encountered before. Beth did not approach my vehicle asking for money. Beth did not have a mean look to her. Instead, Beth was smiling and waving, not in a creepy way, more like in a friend, have a nice day, sort of way. I asked my brother if I should give her a piece of our chicken since we ordered a good amount, he said we should. I was about to make an offer but then I realized that I ordered the spicy chicken instead of original, I was then concerned about her lack of beverage to cool down her mouth if she does not like the spiciness unlike my brothers and I. Don't get me wrong, I would've given her a piece if I weren't concerned about the spiciness of it. As I received my food and change, I decided to give her my change instead, so she can buy a little something to eat for her dinner. Beth struck me surprise because she was just standing there, it was as if she rather have a conversation than ask for money. I would've ordered Beth a meal or something if I wasn't too short on cash myself =[ Beth would indeed stick in my mind for a while. Just felt like sharing a nice little story =]

Other than that, I'M DONE WITH '09 SUMMER SCHOOL! It was indeed a relief after finishing up my final yesterday and then coming home and then relaxing. It felt weird not having any sort of homework to worry about. I practically got rid of one quarter worth of classes! I hope I get an A on Political Theory but aside from wanting that A, I passed all of my classes in the summer! I'm finally caught up with where I need to be! =] I met a lot of people this summer and I'm so glad to have known them, hopefully we end up keeping in touch. I moved into my new apartment and I LOVE it! It's so much bigger and roomy, I just love it! The bf helped out and I can't thank him enough! Btw, CONGRATULATIONS on your job hun! [Even though I'm still bitter about my situation ...] I'm still on a job hunt, it's getting frustrating but eventually, I'll find a job ... it sucks, because I'm so scared about my school tuition and whatnot and I feel like there's nothing else I can do. There's so much things I want but I can't get because I have to be careful with my spending =[

I'm slowly losing weight! I can fit in some of my jeans almost comfortably and I fit majority of my shirts comfortably as well. It's a work in progress but it's getting there! =]

Geeze, I was soooooo bored today I ended up playing games on Facebook for a while ... I need to find something to work on for the next three weeks of my summer vacation ... any suggestions? =]

Anyways, I'm tired, I gotta find something to do =]

So far ...

... things are going well. I'm almost done with Session 2 of summer school and I admit, I feel pretty exhausted. I had a job interview today. It was to be a Nanny for this little year old Vietnamese boy. I had an interview with the mom today and she seemed pretty cool. If I end up getting the job, I will be meeting the kid this Friday, although I'm gonna try to see if I can meet him on Thurs since I wanna drive back to LA on Thurs, but we'll see. It's a big commitment cause the she works and whatnot so she needs someone to take care of her kid, but I mean, I told her I would communicate with her about my class schedules and whatnot. Other than a job interview, I'm slowly starting to lose weight. After watching Fat Camp on MTV, it makes me wanna lose weight more. I want that sexy body I've been craving and wanting. We'll see what the results will be at the end.

Ugh. I'm tired and it's hot >_<

1st Summer Session

ended pretty well in my opinion =] I passed my classes with a C in spanish [expected a C- or lower but it was actually a C+] and a B in Comparative Politics [expected a C or less] It was awesome because I didn't do so well on my midterm in Comparative Politics but I did well on my paper [95%] and I thankfully I studied enough to pass the final with a decent grade =D Now onto to second session which I'm like ehhh about but we'll see what happens =]

Smile.

I try to smile every time I'm outside in public. I don't like it when people try to read me or I guess "figure me out". I don't like being predictable to the point where I can't do anything without someone calling out my moves. I usually make an attempt to smile so people can see the facade I try to put up for myself.

I don't know what I want at the moment. I'm sitting on my bed, sweating my ass off, I'm staring at my spanish presentation as well as my spanish homework. I should be studying. I should be preparing myself my upcoming exams. I have all this time and yet, I feel so down that I don't know what to do.

I want something ... spontaneous to happen.

Library

I was able to finish my comparative politics essay within 4 hours! I was very excited and quite proud of myself for being able to finish a 8pg. paper within 4 hours! I usually take 4 hours to do a freakin' 3 page paper but geeze I was just on a roll yesterday! It had to be about 6-8 pgs but I just found myself needing more space so I was quite excited. Luckily my kind TA was able to read my essay [even though I felt REALLY bad asking him too cause he had office hours practically ALL day and he must've been really tired] and he just told me to work on my conclusion [which I knew needed the most work on]. I practically slacked off the entire day when I was done with my paper, which was a bad thing because I should've studied a bit for spanish but ehhh. Spanish can go suck my invisible d*ck at the moment cause I'm starting to not care anymore. I don't understand why I'm struggling so much with spanish when I took it in high school! Ugh whatever tho.

Summer has been okay so far. It's not how I expected it to be but it's been okay. Summer school has been keeping me busy and whatnot so most of my attention is going towards my classes. I'm moving into a new apartment soon, well new place, same complex I guess, but there's a twist! There are currently two guys living in there at the moment so they said I would be living with them until they move out in September. My first response was like ... "what ..." and then I was like uhh ... okay ...? Idk, I'm kind of iffy about it cause I mean c'mon it's two guys that I do not know and I'm gonna be living with them for a month?! I've lived with guys before but it's usually someone I'm familiar with and such. I don't know what to do in this situation ... Like I wanna meet new people and make new friends but for all I know, I would end up living with some party animals or potheads or something ya know?

I'm slowly losing weight! Funny thing is, it's SOO freaking hot to work out! I've just been walking to class so I'm sweating out my fat! [gross image] I'm able to fit into some of my old shorts [which I am quite proud of!] but I gotta work on toning my tummie! I wanna look decent for Halloween since I will [hopefully] be partying it up at UCSB! Man, I'm tired. I might work out today! Woo! I need food ... geeze, no money equals starving college student.

I'm so bored right now at the library. I should be reading for my poli sci class but I'm tired. I woke up late today too! Luckily I had my window open so the noise woke me up.

Til the next entry!

rumbling in my tummie

I am starvin' at the moment due to no breakfast, just a bottle of water and I'm working on my 6-8 pg. term paper on Russia vs. Brazil and who will become a democracy first. My refusal to leave the library until I am done with this darn paper is making me starve but I must finish this essay because if I leave the library to go back to my apartment and then drive somewhere to eat [i don't have food in my apartment] then it will cause me to slack off really really bad because knowing me I will probably get distracted by something and then once I finish eating [if i ever do eat] then I will want to take a nap because food make me sleepy [ i know ... bad! ] so I'm like arghh so I decided to take a small little break from my simple but LONG paper to write an entry since I haven't written an entry in ages so ... there!

Phew.

Spring '09 Quarter

I passed all my classes! I'm making a slow comeback and I'm glad. I have to admit, 4 courses took a lot out of me but I'm glad I was able to meet all the people I've met throughout spring quarter. Although I met new people, I am most definitely sad about one of my good friends at UCR leaving UCR to UCSB. I'm glad he got in but he's leaving me! It's okay, his ass better visit me one of these days. Other than that, I passed all my classes with a C or a higher and I am proud of myself for passing. There were times where I doubted myself but I realized that I couldn't just get straight A's right after I bounced back. I am taking summer school so I hope I will get A's to raise up my GPA and then hopefully Fall '09 quarter will be THE quarter for me.

Well, gotta get back to cleaning and gotta start packing up to move into my new apartment!

Confessions.

I'm crying in the inside. I feel overwhelmed, scared, stressed, lonely, fat, and many other feelings I can't seem to come up with words to describe. I feel like an omelet, except for the yummie part. Four classes is definitely taking its toll on me; I am so behind on my readings, I have yet to read the book for my classes and yet, I just finished taking two midterms this week. I had a quiz in comparative literature and I didn't know what the hell I was writing about. I ended up writing gibberish or whichever just came to my little pathetic mind. My poli sci 20 midterm just went to hell. I studied, but I guess it just wasn't enough. My sociologt midterm wasn't so bad, I knew what I was doing but I did that thing where I underestimated my guess so ended up second guessing myself. Not only that, the topic I came up was totally the wrong thing for my paper so I need to come up with another topic. I have three essays due next week, fortunately for me, they're no more than 3 pages. I have my poli sci 10 midterm the week after next, I don't even know how I feel about that. I feel like I should've been on top of my game this quarter since I really want to do well. It's almost week 5, meaning it's the middle of the quarter, that scares the sh*t out of me. I wish I can relax and do well, I wish I was one of those people that understand it the first time, I wish for so many things. I wanted to work towards a beach body for the summer but that's going down hill since I always feel lethargic after my classes, maybe I'll just work on my cardio and run on my own time. I feel so fat to the point where I have started throwing up again. I use to be bulemic before, I got over it, now ... with all this pressure, it's coming back. I'm scared of it coming back. I don't want to be bulemic, but I feel so lost. I can't find a job, I know, like I need a job with all this workload, I just want a job to help my mom pay off the car payments as well as the insurance for my car. I'm so stupid. I can't even afford the car, I should've just said no. What the f*ck was I thinking? I don't know about the boyfriend. He said he would try his best to stop playing games for me. What is he doing now? Playing games. What the f*ck. You know what? Whatever. Cause you know why? Cause everything is going to end up being okay, I'm just going to ignore it and bottle it in. Quite frankly, I have just lost it. I don't know anymore. I hate going home to Hawthorne, the ONLY reason I go home is for family. The honest truth, I don't even a F*CK about certain people in Hawthorne. There are a few people I still care about, unfortunately I don't get to see them as often. You know what, it's because of YOU. YOU took something important from me in high school, I said I didn't care but the honest truth, I cared. YOU know exactly what you took away from me, I didn't want to admit I wanted it cause everyone was with you. I was just there. I sucked it up and went along with it. YOU practically turned everyone against me when YOU disliked me. I don't even want YOU to contact me anymore because there's no point. Obviously replacing a best friend is simple, but thanks to YOU, having a best friend is scarring. It's not like you're going to read this but THE WORLD DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND YOU. Anyways. I'm trying my best to stay here [Riverside] for the summer. I rather deal with the heat then go back to that shitty town, and run into people I don't even want to see. Thank goodness I graduated and I'm going to work my ass off to try to stay away from that god-forsaken town.

drained.

I am soooo freaking tired! Four courses and all 8am classes is definitely taking its toll on me =[

... on the other hand ... I have a car now ....

So ... tireddddddd

omfg.

omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg omfg!!!!!!!!! =]

1st Week of School

[[ Week One ]]
omfg. Week one of school is very, VERY tiresome. I didn't think it would be that tiresome but damnnn! Since I have classes starting at 8am every morning, I had to learn how to sleep early. That was quite hard for me considering the fact that I'm use to waking up around noonish or so ever since I started college. Sunday and Monday night was difficult for me to sleep so I basically went 48 hrs without a full night's rest. Luckily Oscar was nice enough to take me to Rite Aid to get some Melatonin to help me sleep. Mann, that thing works wonders! They are so much better than sleeping pills! Sleeping pills makes you fall asleep but you cannot wake up whatsoever. Therefore, you need to allow at least 8+ hours worth of rest and then you can wake up. Melatonin help aid sleep and you can wake up without any groggy affects! So far it's helping me sleep, I mean, I woke up early for a Saturday and I am quite shock! Besides sleeping, the work load is definitely a lot. A lot of reading for sure. A LOT! It's okay, I like reading compared to doing math problems :] I like the work load, it's very nice and it keeps me busy!

[[ One Call to Change em' All ]]
I woke up to a call that change my day. Lol. My mom's friend happened to call me and told me that ... I MIGHT GET A CAR! Woot! lol Even though it's a possibility, I'm still excited. Then one of the representatives called me and then we were discussing about the car and whatnot. They gave me special treatment since apparently my mom's friend is head of the company so I was like whoa!!! sweeeeet! lol I'm excited!! =] I mean, I was doing fine without a car in Riverside but it's so boring when I go home. But other than that, yay! :]

I'm so excited!! Ahhh! I'm gonna go eat some brunch before I leave to go search for my car! Wish me luck!

8am

Having insomnia really really sucks butt! Like seriously. Tomorrow's my first day of Spring Quarter as well as cardio kickboxing and I can't sleep for sh*t! I went to bed at 11ish hoping that I would fall asleep but so far nothing. It's really pissing me off how I can't sleep! I have 4 back to back classes tomorrow and I know I'm going to need to energy :[ It's about 2:30am and I have to wake up at 6:30am giving me four hours of sleep, if I can sleep that is. Ugh! I don't want to take sleeping pills because that will make me extremely groggy and it requires at least 8hrs+ of sleep!Ugh! I really don't know what to do. Maybe I'll go to the store tomorrow and buy me some of that melatonin to help me sleep since I have 8am classes every day of the week. It's like high school all over again! But the good thing is that I'm done early so yay me! :] I think I'm going to try to find a way to bore myself out.

Can I have this dance?

As I'm sitting upon my bed trying to bore myself off so I can finally sleep, the sound of High School Musical 3 is playing on the background as I'm searching the net. The song "Can I Have This Dance?" came on and I don't know why but my prom came up and I just reminisced on my prom 2 years ago. My prom unfortunately wasn't that great, in fact, it was nothing on how I imagined it would be. My prom date was a friend that wasn't even going to go to prom until I brought it up. I had to make sure he wouldn't get in a fight with his ex-girlfriend and ex-friend. My "best-friend" was off with her currently ex-boyfriend with other people. All my friends were scattered all over the yacht [trust me, it wasn't that great having prom on a yacht] I was mainly hanging out with a few people [I love em' and all but I would've love to be around everyone] Prom was suppose to be a night where everyone was suppose to be together and cherish the moments. Instead ... it wasn't. /tear. It's okay, I'm over it, it's just like ugh.

I slept ALL day today. I had nothing else to do. The boyfriend isn't back til noon-ish today. Ugh. I'm so lonely right now. I don't like being lonely. It's too .. weird. Blahhhhh.

Boom Boom Pow!

I'm back at my apartment and I am extremely BORED out of my mind! The boyfriend was suppose to come back with me tonight but he couldn't due to family obligations. The roommate is home for the weekend and no one is really responding to my texts =[ *sigh I want some mumbles but I'm kind of a fraidy cat to walk over there myself. I should go exercise but I feel tired ... maybe I'll do some organizing ... Idk ... I feel blahhhhhh ....

imu.

<3 Sandi

Spring Break!

[[ Nice Little Break ]]
Spring break has started! Well, it started officially at around 12:30pm on Saturday after I finished my last final but it officially started today when I found out all of my grades and I am quite satisfied with the result! I don't really mind that I ended up passing with C+ for all my classes mainly because this quarter was my come back quarter. I came back, I passed ALL of my classes, earned the 12 units that I needed to earn and got a 2.0+ GPA for the quarter! Wo0t! I'm off of AP! So freakin' happy!! :] I felt so relieved when I saw my grades, it was like ... YES!!

[[ Job Hunt ]]
I went to a job interview at Juice it Up! on Saturday morning before my final. From my perspective I thought the interview went fine considering I have experience with smoothies before. I guess it's not enough for them since they haven't called me about it. I sent them an email since they did not provide me a number to call them but whatevers. I don't really mind anymore ;] It just means I'll just have to look harder for a job.

[[ Spring Quarter ]]
Next quarter I am taking on [drumroll mix with intense dramatic music] 4 courses, a total of 18 units! That's a lot and it's going to be my first time taking on more than 3 courses. I realized that I need to step up my game and stop being lazy. I need to learn how to balance out my time and make sure I attend ALL of my classes, although an exceptional 3 ditch days per class is always there but no ditching discussions! Discussions are so boring though ... an hour of my life ... ugh but whatevers. I've decided to take on two political science classes, one comparative literature, and one sociology class. Eep! Hopefully I do well. I just keep telling myself that all these classes are SO much better than math. I miss the sciences, but I don't miss the math of it. I'm kind of excited for spring quarter regardless of the work load :]

[[ 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and get them sit-ups up right ]]
Towards the end of last quarter, my friend Oscar and I have gotten into Ab Attack. Ab Attack is a workout session they have at our school at the gym where it mainly focuses on abs. Omg! The first day after ab attack, I was freakin' sore! It felt nice though. It made me feel good about myself and that I was doing something about my weight. I scheduled my classes around ab attack next quarter just so I could attend the workout sessions and help tone down my abs. Well right now there isn't really abs, just stomach but I noticed how instead of an outer curve, it's starting to flatten and I like it. The workout session is quite difficult and there were times where I just laid there asking myself why I kept coming back but so far the result looks good [even though I pigged out during finals week] It's going to take a lot of work for my to look decent in a 2-piece bathing suit but I am willing to work towards it. I obviously am looking forward to that burn! :] Besides abs, I need to work on my cardio, I might ask Oscar and Dani to run with me. They're both fitter than I am so it's gonna take a lot of effort from to me to keep up. Hopefully I keep up with this excercise and achieve the results I want! :]

[[ Make-Up ]]
I think my make-up obsession started to fade away considering the fact that I can't afford it :[ It's so sad ... *sigh

[[ Love is in the Air ]]
The boyfriend has been such a sweetie pie in dealing with me and my mental breakdowns lately. I love him sooo much! It's okay if you don't spoil me with gifts babe! I still loves you!

[[ Phew! ]]
That was a long post! Overall this quarter burnt me up and I'm refreshing up for Spring quarter! I definitely need to focus really hard this quarter. No more slacking off. No more distractions! Eep!

Less than three, Sandi

Baby, it's cold outside

Brrrr!!! I am currently sitting outside waiting for my noon class ... I kind of regret ditching my History class at the moment but it's nothing I can't catch up on, majority of the lectures are posted online and such, now the big question is whether I should skip macroeconomics or not ... hm ... I am cold ... and there's a hole in my jeans ... and it's very uncomfortable and a tad bit embarrassing. So during my last post I was 19, now I'm 20! Wo0t! woot! My birthday was awesome!! It consisted of Lucille's, friends and alcohol. Omg, so much running around and so much alcohol. I will never be able to eat ribs ever again! I now associate ribs with alcohol ... so bad cause I LOVED ribs ... now not so much. I drank so much alcohol that I ended up throwing up so much in the morning as well as a horrible hangover and then I had to cancel a knott's double dateh I trip that was gonna happen, but it's all good since everyone was tired and a bit hungover, we just kicked it in the jacuzzi =]

So there's a possibility I might get a new car. Don't know which one, but I know it'll be a Nissan for sure ... I'm excited although I need to renew my license this week as well as get stuff done with the insurance since they're being anal about this situation.

[To the boyfriend] Hi babyyyy! I know you check up on these blogs =] SO, I'm currently at school hungry and waiting for you to come on campus to feed me =] Oh btw ... I is cold! I want snuggles!

I wanna color my hair!

<3 Sandi

Birthday Coming Up ...

so i need some ideas for how to do my make up! any help would be greatly appreciated!

<3 Sandi

Jobless

I need a job, is there anyone willing to help me out with one please? =[

<3 Sandi

No Car!

So instead of typing this a bajillion time or whenever someone asks, I decided to put in details of my accident here. I was in an accident over the weekend on my drive back from home to Riverside. It was dark and rainy and I was being really careful with my driving ... unfortunately not careful enough. We have a witness tell us that some car got into the freeway in a drunken manner and crashed into the median, got out of his car and ran away from his car. He never turned his lights on, didn't move his car, nothing. I crashed into his car since I didn't see the car and was too scared to swerve to the left since I didn't want to crash into anyone else. My car is totaled. Nothing is left, it is gone. The cops are blaming the accident on me since the car was parked. What the fuck?! Cars should not be "parked" in the middle of the freeway! ... and the blame is on me. WTF. I called my insurance and they don't really know what to categorize my case ... this is so stupid. I've been trying to get my life back together and then this happens.

Ever since the accident, I have been depressed. I catch myself staring off into space and feeling as if the world is spinning and I'm the only standing still. I lost my motivation to keep on going ... I just don't even know anymore. I don't have a best friend to turn to, it just seems like she just walked out of my life, and I'm so done with it. I'm not asking for a best friend, just someone who is there for me. I have the boyfriend but he's done so much for me. I don't even know anymore. There are times where I just want to ... let go.

I don't know what to do anymore.

<3 Sandi

just dance, gonna be okay

My last blog was quite emo and sad but now I'm feeling much much better. I ended up talking to my financial aid counselor about the money situation and she ended up giving me one last chance. Thanks to all the begging, pleading, crying and freaking out *phew* I am really determined to get A's and B's this quarter. I'm trying my best not to get C's [although I did horrible on my first midterms!] I will do well on my next midterms! Ugh! I need to do well this quarter! Other than that ... I want to visit the CCO in Ontario ... just wanna see it ... lol. So ... I was eye ballin' tons of eye shadow palletes at Sephora today ... *sigh*

Well, off to do some studying!

<3 Sandi

My Eyes Hurt ...

... from crying for 3 hours. Why did I cry you may ask? Well, it turns out that my loans isn't going to get processed because I don't have a cosigner. My mom's "boyfriend" was suppose to cosign but he's stuck in Vietnam for I don't know what reasons. I don't have anyone else to cosign because everyone I know has poor credit. My dad can't cosign for me because he's not a citizen, not to mention no credit. I can't cosign because I don't work and I don't have money flowing in. Since I don't have money for practically anything, there's a possibility I might end up getting kicked out of UCR for not tuition money and I might get kicked out of my apartment for no rent money and overall kicked out of everything thus turning me into the failure I didn't want to become.

I hate all the stupid decisions I made throughout my life. I hate being stuck in this situation feeling so vulnerable and helpless. I hate crying my eyes off. I hate being distracted with this shit where I can't finish a simple 3 pg. essay. I hate how everything is going.

I have no friends to go back home to. I only have a few friends I open up to. Best friends do not exist, maybe in teddy bears, but not in real life. There is no such thing.

I hate my life. I wish I could fall asleep forever and not wake up.

I'm growing weaker every day.

Gettin' it straight

Happy Inauguration Day! Congratulations PRESIDENT Barack Obama!

Since this quarter is basically my "make it or break it" quarter, I want to do whatever it takes to get through it. This week was a total bust since I was totally out of it the entire week. I didn't go to my history 20 or macroeconomics lectures mainly because I found them to be boring and wasn't in the mood. Last week just felt weird in general. I was extremely tired and I was stressed out about something that I'm not going to mention online. Other than that, yeah, my last 2 quarters or so wasn't my best whatsoever. There was so much drama and it just kept piling up on each other as time passed. I'm considering changing my major to something that will get me my bachelors degree in [hopefully] 2o11. I'm not quite sure of what I am going to major in but it might end up being political science, then somehow work my way towards a law degree and then possibly work on something related to the medical field. Sounds a lot but I'm going to make sure I end up successful in the future. So I'm basically catching up with my readings and trying to get my stuff straight and whatnot. Of course I've been procrastinating but I'm improving slowly.

My weight is killing me. I lost about 10 lbs ever since I started my diet. I don't know why but I'm still "ugh" about it. I look at myself in the mirror and I'm not satisfied with what I see. When I look in the mirror I see this ugly image of myself. I feel like my outer image doesn't reflect on how I am as a person. I feel like my physical appearance plays a big part in me trying to find a job. It seems like it's difficult to find a job if someone is obese like me. It seems like people hire people based on their looks and it pisses me off so much. I'm a hard worker. I'm honest. I get my stuff done and whatnot. What the hell?! Ugh.

I'm tired. I was expecting to blog more but I gotta get up early tomorrow. Peace!

<3 Sandi