Confessions.

I'm crying in the inside. I feel overwhelmed, scared, stressed, lonely, fat, and many other feelings I can't seem to come up with words to describe. I feel like an omelet, except for the yummie part. Four classes is definitely taking its toll on me; I am so behind on my readings, I have yet to read the book for my classes and yet, I just finished taking two midterms this week. I had a quiz in comparative literature and I didn't know what the hell I was writing about. I ended up writing gibberish or whichever just came to my little pathetic mind. My poli sci 20 midterm just went to hell. I studied, but I guess it just wasn't enough. My sociologt midterm wasn't so bad, I knew what I was doing but I did that thing where I underestimated my guess so ended up second guessing myself. Not only that, the topic I came up was totally the wrong thing for my paper so I need to come up with another topic. I have three essays due next week, fortunately for me, they're no more than 3 pages. I have my poli sci 10 midterm the week after next, I don't even know how I feel about that. I feel like I should've been on top of my game this quarter since I really want to do well. It's almost week 5, meaning it's the middle of the quarter, that scares the sh*t out of me. I wish I can relax and do well, I wish I was one of those people that understand it the first time, I wish for so many things. I wanted to work towards a beach body for the summer but that's going down hill since I always feel lethargic after my classes, maybe I'll just work on my cardio and run on my own time. I feel so fat to the point where I have started throwing up again. I use to be bulemic before, I got over it, now ... with all this pressure, it's coming back. I'm scared of it coming back. I don't want to be bulemic, but I feel so lost. I can't find a job, I know, like I need a job with all this workload, I just want a job to help my mom pay off the car payments as well as the insurance for my car. I'm so stupid. I can't even afford the car, I should've just said no. What the f*ck was I thinking? I don't know about the boyfriend. He said he would try his best to stop playing games for me. What is he doing now? Playing games. What the f*ck. You know what? Whatever. Cause you know why? Cause everything is going to end up being okay, I'm just going to ignore it and bottle it in. Quite frankly, I have just lost it. I don't know anymore. I hate going home to Hawthorne, the ONLY reason I go home is for family. The honest truth, I don't even a F*CK about certain people in Hawthorne. There are a few people I still care about, unfortunately I don't get to see them as often. You know what, it's because of YOU. YOU took something important from me in high school, I said I didn't care but the honest truth, I cared. YOU know exactly what you took away from me, I didn't want to admit I wanted it cause everyone was with you. I was just there. I sucked it up and went along with it. YOU practically turned everyone against me when YOU disliked me. I don't even want YOU to contact me anymore because there's no point. Obviously replacing a best friend is simple, but thanks to YOU, having a best friend is scarring. It's not like you're going to read this but THE WORLD DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND YOU. Anyways. I'm trying my best to stay here [Riverside] for the summer. I rather deal with the heat then go back to that shitty town, and run into people I don't even want to see. Thank goodness I graduated and I'm going to work my ass off to try to stay away from that god-forsaken town.