Inner Self

Tis practically the end of summer and school starts approximately a week from today. So far, I've been eating and sleeping for the past three weeks along with job hunting, in which I am having no luck with. All this time with me being alone has made me ... depressed. It sucks, because I know my life is better than some people but I still can't help being depressed.

I'm sitting on my bed in my room watching the Tyra Banks show about plastic surgery. I remembered telling myself I would NEVER think about getting any cosmetic surgery done to myself because it was so degrading and it makes a person fake. Although I do not agree with cosmetic surgery, I still fantasize about it. Wanna know what I always fantasized? Let's go from top to bottom:

My face: I don't like my nose. When I was younger, my parents told me I have an ugly nose. Even family members tell me I should go to Vietnam and get some plastic surgery done to my nose. My own nose makes me look as if I'm a filipina [no offense to filipinos] I would like to look like my own race. It annoys me sometimes being called something I'm not. I have one droopy eye, my right eye, I don't mind, but it bugs me at times when I try to put on make up and then I have to adjust how I do it and stuff. My eyes, geeze, I'm so blind, I would want lasik eye surgery so I can spend less money on glasses and contacts and stuff. I wouldn't mind losing some of my double chin as well, that always kills pictures for me.

My body: I hate my body. I'm overweight and I am CONSTANTLY getting criticized for me weight from my family. They think I don't notice them looking at me when I'm eating. What do they want me to do? Starve to death? I'm sorry I'm not a stick compared other asians, I'm sorry I'm not the most perfect out of our family, but damnit, I'm pretty damn close to making more money than all of them put together. If I had the chance, I would totally do liposuction, tummy tuck, possibly breast augmentation, yup, I want to get rid of all the fat and upgrade the ladies.

It's not fair that people judge how others look on the outside. It really isn't. I admit, I'm not the prettiest looking out there. Geeze, even my family reminds that every time there's a reunion, but I still go because I still love my family. There's even freaking cliques in my family, I notice all that shit. I hate my body. It's so hard to keep telling myself I love my body. It's so hard, because people are constantly judging. *sigh

FML.