My Eyes Hurt ...

... from crying for 3 hours. Why did I cry you may ask? Well, it turns out that my loans isn't going to get processed because I don't have a cosigner. My mom's "boyfriend" was suppose to cosign but he's stuck in Vietnam for I don't know what reasons. I don't have anyone else to cosign because everyone I know has poor credit. My dad can't cosign for me because he's not a citizen, not to mention no credit. I can't cosign because I don't work and I don't have money flowing in. Since I don't have money for practically anything, there's a possibility I might end up getting kicked out of UCR for not tuition money and I might get kicked out of my apartment for no rent money and overall kicked out of everything thus turning me into the failure I didn't want to become.

I hate all the stupid decisions I made throughout my life. I hate being stuck in this situation feeling so vulnerable and helpless. I hate crying my eyes off. I hate being distracted with this shit where I can't finish a simple 3 pg. essay. I hate how everything is going.

I have no friends to go back home to. I only have a few friends I open up to. Best friends do not exist, maybe in teddy bears, but not in real life. There is no such thing.

I hate my life. I wish I could fall asleep forever and not wake up.

I'm growing weaker every day.

Gettin' it straight

Happy Inauguration Day! Congratulations PRESIDENT Barack Obama!

Since this quarter is basically my "make it or break it" quarter, I want to do whatever it takes to get through it. This week was a total bust since I was totally out of it the entire week. I didn't go to my history 20 or macroeconomics lectures mainly because I found them to be boring and wasn't in the mood. Last week just felt weird in general. I was extremely tired and I was stressed out about something that I'm not going to mention online. Other than that, yeah, my last 2 quarters or so wasn't my best whatsoever. There was so much drama and it just kept piling up on each other as time passed. I'm considering changing my major to something that will get me my bachelors degree in [hopefully] 2o11. I'm not quite sure of what I am going to major in but it might end up being political science, then somehow work my way towards a law degree and then possibly work on something related to the medical field. Sounds a lot but I'm going to make sure I end up successful in the future. So I'm basically catching up with my readings and trying to get my stuff straight and whatnot. Of course I've been procrastinating but I'm improving slowly.

My weight is killing me. I lost about 10 lbs ever since I started my diet. I don't know why but I'm still "ugh" about it. I look at myself in the mirror and I'm not satisfied with what I see. When I look in the mirror I see this ugly image of myself. I feel like my outer image doesn't reflect on how I am as a person. I feel like my physical appearance plays a big part in me trying to find a job. It seems like it's difficult to find a job if someone is obese like me. It seems like people hire people based on their looks and it pisses me off so much. I'm a hard worker. I'm honest. I get my stuff done and whatnot. What the hell?! Ugh.

I'm tired. I was expecting to blog more but I gotta get up early tomorrow. Peace!

<3 Sandi