Forever 21

I finally turned 21! Invested a shit load of money on alcohol but it was worth it! Had an awesome dinner with friends and then partied the night away! Met new people at the same time as well! :D could not have imagined anything else! :D

Disappointment.

Disappointment [dis-uh-point-muhnt]: to fail to fulfill the expectations or wishes of

I am terrified of disappointment. I hate seeing the look of disappointment on someone's face when I'd let them down. This quarter has been so busy for me. I'm hardly home, I'm usually on campus getting some work done. I took a week off last week since it was my "chill" week but now we're onto week seven ... no more ditching from now on ... ditching would be one of the most stupidest things I can do right now. MUN is taking up my time as well, on Wednesdays and Thursdays, I'm usually at school til around 9ish or whenever meetings end due to our preparation for the upcoming conference in New York. I met up with my partner today to work on our position paper ... man oh man ... we're so lost and befuddled with what's going on. We were shooting our ideas at each other and it helped clear our mind a bit. But once I got home and sat in front of my laptop ... I just stared at it ... my bed is covered with my textbooks ... they're opened ... but I can't seem to focus ... ugh ... I need to keep reminding myself to keep pulling through ... and that everything ... all this hard work ... this stress ... will ALL be worth it at the end ... I just need to keep thinking that ...

Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day has always been one of those holidays that I have dreaded ever since I entered middle school. I miss those days in elementary school where I would anticipate buying the cutest valentine's and then making the cutest valentine bag. I remember looking forward to the day where everyone would pass out their valentine's and then afterwards, everyone would go to their table and dump out their bags and read all of their valentines. Once I entered middle school, everyone was involved with the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing and then I felt so left out since all the girls were pretty much developing and I was kind of stuck there. I remember having a crush on this one boy in 8th grade. I remember him being quite cute and tall [I always had a thing for tall guys] I remember trying to impress him and getting him to notice me, but nothing really worked :[ High school phase came rolling around and that was quite a disaster. I remember seeing my 8th grade crush around, it actually turns out that he impregnated his girlfriend and now they have a baby [congrats to them!] High school was when I was boy crazy and whatnot. It seemed like I always had a valentine for valentine's day. This year on the other hand, this year I do not have a valentine.

Why do I not have a valentine? Well, I recently broke up with my boyfriend a few months ago because I felt like I needed to rediscover myself. Ever since my break up, I have been trying new things and met tons of new people. With that came with new boys ... little did I realize that the whole dating world is vicious! I usually attract the "nice guys" but I once read in a blog somewhere that there are two kinds of nice guys, the nice guy that is genuinely nice and will make an effort to remain friends even if something awkward happens, and then there's the nice guy where he's just being nice in order to get some loving ... It appears like I've been attracting the wrong nice guys. I feel like Pandora's box where I'm scared to open up to someone because I'm just going to get hurt again. Getting hurt is not fun! :[ I CAN have a valentine today, but technically I choose NOT to. I was always the girl that would expect something romantic and sweet from my significant other at the moment, and most of the time, it seemed like I expected more. That was bad on my behalf, thus this year, I plan to be single on Valentine's day.

Honestly, I don't mind being single. I have been in relationships for so long that it feels nice to be single. I have so much on my hands at the moment and I don't think it would be fair for me to get involved with someone and then try to balance my time with everything. Although I wouldn't mind having someone admire me ;] I miss those texts that would make me smile. I miss someone wanting my presence. I miss the small surprises and the little butterflies. Don't get me wrong, I'm quite the hopeless romantic ... I actually want to find someone that's a hopeless romantic too ... but what are the chances of that? I want to meet someone that would sweep me off my feet, but then again, I'm one to not believe in fairy tales and whatnot. I want to meet someone that is willing to put in the effort to change my mind. I admit, I do sound like I'm expecting too much, but that's how I am. I am willing to put in effort, if the same amount of effort is implied. Reasonable don't you think so? :/

Other than that, thank you for taking time to read my blog and hope everyone has an awesome Valentine's day with your significant other :]

Oh! Make sure to wrap that sh*t if you're gonna do the dirty deed that day! :] No glove, no loveeee!! <3

Perfection

Imperfect is the new perfect. [this site made me realize how beautiful I am]

I use to be bulimic. Actually, I am from time to time, but I've realized that the abuse to my body is not worth it, thus, I'm calling the quits. What made me bulimic? Everything started in middle school. I was one out of the few Asians in a school with the majority being Hispanics. I started noticing all my friends going through puberty. The girls that I hung out with started developing breasts. I mean, I knew I was starting to develop too, but mine were nothing compared to them. No guy wanted me. I felt like I was the fat, nerdy, Asian girl no one really wanted to be with. I heard about bulimia through the media and I was thinking "Hmm ... throwing up by just shoving my finger down my throat? Sounds crazy! ... does it work?" Next thing I know, I would eat all I can, then I was hung over the toilet bowl throwing up everything. Sadly enough I felt better about myself but every time I look at the mirror, I would still see the fat girl still staring back at me. I stopped for a while, but then I started again. I didn't care about the consequences, I just wanted to be thin. I wanted to be beautiful. I didn't understand what the term meant since it seemed like the media portrayed beautiful in a different way. Every time I look in the mirror, I see myself ... sometimes as the fat girl ... sometimes as the girl that is lost and still trying to find herself. I know for sure, that it's about time I should stop hurting my body and start appreciating myself.

Everyone has their flaws. I know I have some pretty big flaws. I over analyze things to the point where I try to control everything that happens in my life. But then after talking with a friend about it, there's no mystery in life if I know what's going to happen. I'm the girl that wants to prepare for the worst ... just because she doesn't want to get hurt. Life is all about taking risks and making mistakes and learning from them. I need to start understanding that I AM beautiful because I am flawed and my flaws make me who I am. No one wants to be perfect because being perfect means there's no more mystery. I want spontaneity in my life ... I'm ready to go with the flow :]

There are things that I can work and improve for my own benefit. I'm still trying to discover who I am ... I mean who doesn't in college? I like my pudgy nose that resembles lilo from lilo and stitch. I like my boobs because I have boobs lol [i came a long way from high school to have boobs!] I like my teeth, which has gaps in between them, even though they're not straight and pearly white, but they're not yellow either. I like my chipmunk cheeks because it gives someone something to squeeze. Speaking of something to squeeze, I like my ass because like I said, I have an ass! It's not a budunkadunk but it's still something ;] I am currently working on being confident in front of people, but that takes time. Everything takes time and it's all worth the wait ;] The best things will take a lot of my patience, but I know that it will be mind blasting. My promise to myself is to stop thinking negative and just live life how it is and to stop making it so complicated than it needs to :D

I am imperfect and I accept that :]

Why do we fall?

People fall all the time! Babies fall and then they just get up and keep going. Regardless of how difficult and painful it is for them, they just keep on trying and trying. How come it's difficult for certain adults? There are people that have fallen to the point where they're left with scars for life and yet, they just stop trying. I know I've been in that position before. Especially recently, I've been falling a lot. Granted my knees are all scratched up and bleeding but I somehow find the way to keep going. I have decided that I want to shelter myself up. I want to have fun and not get attached in the process. I was watching How I Met Your Mother and there was a part where the guy meets this girl at a wedding and they're having the time of their life but they don't kiss. The moment was building up, but the kiss never came. It was like a fairy tale of some sort ... and since fairy tales don't come true ... you are left with nothing at the end. Yes, I am being pessimistic ... but I need to in order to protect myself. I never really had to protect myself so much, but it seems like every person I decide to open up to ... I eventually get hurt. I'm tired of getting hurt. I'm tired of having false hopes and whatnot. It's exhausting pretending everything is okay when it isn't. It takes so much energy to put a smile on and pretend everything is just fine and dandy. Most of the time I just wanna scream and take things into my own hands. Sometimes that's not possible, thus I need to imagine everything is fine.

I want things to be calm and peaceful. I want to be able to go to New York for that MUN Conference. I want to be able to break out of my shell and become the assertive bitch I need to be. I need to make a change.

Girl: [hands boy heart] "Be careful with it ... its fragile"
Guy: [drops heart] "Eh, it was worthless anyways..."

She was a young girl trying to find herself. She was lost, she was confused, then she realized that there were far more important things in life than to wallow in her own problems. "F*ck it!" Life is really too short to be thinking negatively. Then one random night, she decides to go on an adventure with her roommate. Care free she decided to have fun when she should be studying. They were young, the night itself was young. She realized that she might be the third wheel but she was okay, as long as she was out and about and not crammed in her room. She met someone that night. She thought this someone was special. He was nice, sweet and caring. He flattered her whenever he could. The night after they started talking to each other. She felt something she hasn't felt in a while. She felt happy. Life was going good for her, or so she thought. They went on a few dates and whatnot and they were awesome. He made her smile. She made him smile. Then things started going down hill really fast. Now she is left alone. Broken. Mending herself from this experience. As if she is a worn out toy that no child would touch. It was meant to be all fun and games but things got complicated. She opened up to him. She let her guard down. Now she's back in her Pandora box.

Shit happens. Like f'real. Unexpected shit happens. I didn't expect nor see any of this coming. In a way I wished he minded his own business and stayed in his own little world. Then I wouldn't be feeling like this. I don't have time to freaking feel like this, but it is inevitable. I refuse to let myself cry cause I'm done crying. I deserve better. Way better. At first it was like a "What the f*ck just happened" kind of feeling but at the end, it's me at the end. I don't mind. I'm just going to have fun with my life. New year, new beginnings.

01.05.10

Breakfast: An Apple
Lunch: Nothing
Dinner: Fish seasoned with Oregano, Chicken Salad with sprinkled cheese, croutons and raspberry dressing with a "Death by Chocolate" Ball
Work out: 20 min on elliptical

Woo! Not bad!

Note to self: Must fill up on water jug